


Just This

by LetUsWriteItOut



Series: 2020 Challanges [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Misunderstood Lucius, Struggling lovesick Severus, cool Narcissa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:26:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23579134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LetUsWriteItOut/pseuds/LetUsWriteItOut
Summary: Severus once followed Lucius to the ranks of the Death Eaters, but Lucius only used Severus in return. Or did he?When Severus wakes up naked next to the blond, with missing memories and Lucius telling him he wants to change sides in the war, Severus automatically assumes the worst of Lucius, given their past.However, could their future be more, if only Severus realized that he was wrong about Lucius all along?
Relationships: Lucius Malfoy & Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy/Severus Snape
Series: 2020 Challanges [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694968
Comments: 19
Kudos: 127





	Just This

**Author's Note:**

> In this series, I have asked for challenges from you guys, and Stormy commented first, advising me to write something with Sev and Luc. Since I adore this pairing, I had so much fun...
> 
> So this story is dedicated to Stormy, of course. Thank you, darling, for making me write this! I hope you like it if you're reading! XOXO

Severus could have thought he was drugged, but it’s not like he was a Potion Master for nothing. He knew perfectly well how dangerous it could be to drink or eat anything without care, especially in the company of Death Eaters.

However, when he first opened his eyes in the morning, a blinding light caused him to groan and fall back to some oddly soft pillows he wasn’t used to, he noticed two things.

First, his backside throbbed painfully, and second, he was next to Lucius Malfoy, and both of them were naked.

It’s not like this hadn’t happened before: back when Lucius wanted to recruit the Potion Master to the rank of Death Eaters, they used to have sex quite often. And Severus was naive and young enough to join just because he had some feelings for Lucius.

He not only felt attracted to Lucius, but he also wanted to be exactly like him. A Pureblood wizard with flawless looks, a considerable amount of intelligence, money and magical strength, and even with a quite sarcastic humor that only people close to him knew.

And if Lucius belonged to an “elite club” of Death Eaters, Severus also had to join, even convincing himself it was a good thing. Hogwarts never let them practice any branch of magic (spells, dueling techniques, potions) that was considered even marginally dark, and Voldemort, on the other hand, encouraged it. 

What was joining him, if not an opportunity to learn and to become more powerful? More like Lucius. Closer to a certain type of perfection.

And if they had to oppose Muggles as their doctrine, Snape could think of horrid Muggles like his father, and how they abused their power, hurting weaker people than themselves, so why should the wizards treat them any different?

Even Voldemort seemed charming, more collected and less maniac. Or Snape didn’t have that much of a nuance back then, to tell the truth from the completely obvious lies, and what Voldemort said sounded better than what he actually meant by it.

Not to mention, as much as Severus considered Lily his best friend, who he thought always will be on his side, when she wasn’t talking to him any longer, he felt suddenly extremely lonely. He wanted to belong somewhere, even if it was a group of Death Eaters, just to kill that desperate feeling that had crept over him since he lost her trust.

Since then, Severus had to see and admit it was the worst mistake he’d ever made, selling his soul to a harmful and misguided cause, and was now forever bound to that mistake.

And Lucius quickly lost interest in him soon after, even though they still conversed quite often, Severus didn’t have any illusions why the blond had seduced him in the first place.

In a way, it was comforting. Not a lot of wizards (or witches, for that matter) considered Snape romantically. They took one look at his scrawny frame, his huge nose, his unkempt hair, and his clothes he was forever ashamed of, and didn’t deem him worthy enough to spare him a second glance.

Then came Lucius, who not only started to talk to him, he seemed to care for him, which was so unusual Severus couldn’t even place it.

Lucius had everything Snape didn’t, and he also paid attention to him when to everyone else, Severus was just a nuisance, a good punching bag, or an invisible ghost they didn’t want to notice.

Lucius didn’t seem to look down on Severus when he could have found so many excuses to do so. He started talking with Snape and listened intently when he answered.

When Severus mentioned he invented spells, Lucius lent him books from the private collection of the Malfoy Manor, and then they could debate theories and practices and potion techniques into the night as if Lucius didn’t seem to notice time was passing if he spent it talking about topics they both had an interest in.

At first, Severus thought it was just a scheme, for it couldn’t be true, but slowly, all his natural defenses weakened over time, not realizing running a long scheme was still a scheme.

He also thought Lucius was just looking for an intellectual partner to talk to, at first, until the Pureblood took him to the Manor one day, showing off his room first, then went on his knees, and gave Severus his first blow-job before Severus could even fully comprehend what they were doing.

It worked so well, Severus would have done literary anything for Lucius, if he asked. And Lucius didn’t seem to demand anything unreasonable from him. 

First, he wanted Severus’ body, which took some getting used to, even with the proper spells, but Lucius was so hot Severus didn’t mind, and he’d learned to enjoy a role that was previously just a foreign idea to him. 

Next, he said he wanted to keep Severus close. Closer than Narcissa, who didn’t mean anything to him of course because Abraxas had only forced Lucius to marry her when he figured Lucius was gay. And they could be closer, Lucius said if Snape could “convince the Dark Lord” to take him as a Death Eater, even if he wasn’t a Pureblood.

So that’s what Severus did, hanging with people he knew Lucius would approve of, and soon he was begging the Dark Lord to let him serve.

They had spent one last night together the day Severus finally got the Mark, and Severus thought himself so happy and content he started to believe he could feel overwhelming joy, even though he wasn’t brought up to have ever hoped for something like this.

But soon that naivety was cured, when Lucius gained rank in Voldemort’s inner circle for bringing Severus in - a bright and talented wizard even Tom wanted to trust important tasks on. The Potion Master had found himself busy working for the madmen and academically advancing at the same time, while Lucius had an excuse every time Severus wanted to meet him.

Lucius was clever enough not to dismiss him clearly, but only let Severus speak to him if it was about official Death Eater business or some discussion about general magic - which they still had, but it was sometimes so painful for Severus, he rather started ignoring Lucius himself.

However, all those things were years ago. Now Severus wasn’t as gullible, partially because he wasn’t 15 anymore, but also because he now knew Voldemort and Lucius and Slytherin tactics well.

That’s why it was unthinkable, why would he end up in Lucius’ bed again. They managed to come out on the other side as friends, although it took Severus years to forgive Lucius, and of course, neither of them could trust the other well.

Severus had been hurt before, and Lucius might have feared some retaliation. So it was almost a fragile status quo between them after, but Lucius was still a better company than most of the Death Eaters, that much Snape knew, and he also couldn’t be fully angry with Lucius. It was his weakness letting Lucius use him the way he did. 

And if he had to learn a lesson to not trust anyone, Lucius could have taken much more from him, so in a way, Snape knew Lucius still had some class, even when he was using people to achieve his personal goals. It could have been much worse, yet Lucius broke him only as much as he needed to be broken to join Voldemort.

So even when Severus wanted to hate Lucius for what he did, that feeling only gave way to a certain respect towards Lucius, even if it wasn’t anywhere close to the same type of adoration he had previously had for Lucius before.

Why on earth would Sev then just ruin himself and their established ways by giving himself to Lucius ever again?

It didn’t make any sense. He wasn’t just a teenager anymore, and even if he had feelings for the blond, he buried it so well sometimes he even felt convinced he was over Lucius once and for all.

His current predicament, however, didn’t seem to indicate the same mentality. As he tried to think past through his splitting headache, he couldn’t for the life of him remember anything about sleeping with Lucius last night, when it clearly had happened.

He had been drinking, maybe a little bit more than usual too, because the Dark Lord was back, Dumbledore was dead, and as far as Severus knew Potter was still alive, yet mostly unsuccessful of collecting the Horcruxes, while Severus had to take care of not only Voldemort’s deception, and a school full of children needed protection from the Carrows, but also Draco who never had been his same old self since Voldemort moved into the Manor. 

It felt good to at least let the alcohol relax him a bit, even if his mental shields had to be kept up stronger than ever, even while being utterly wasted or sleeping.

Or, apparently, when he was shagging Lucius Malfoy even when he shouldn’t have. But he remembered the decision to keep drinking the Firewhiskey at the latest Death Eater celebration, and he didn’t have any recollection even seeing Lucius around.

“My head, Merlin, just cut it off,” Lucius muttered, turning away from the morning light, and accidentally towards Severus.

Then, the Potion Master expected shock, because, it would have made sense. They both got horribly drunk, so drunk that they weren’t themselves, and now could agree to act as if nothing happened. As they were pretending so well in the last 19 years or so.

Instead, Lucius wasn’t shocked, or even irritated, because he just gave Severus a long good morning kiss, and was maybe even ready to bed Severus again right then and there, if the Potion Master wouldn’t have stopped him.

“What happened last night? What did you do to me?” he asked, making the blond smugly laugh.

“What do you think I did? Do you want me to show you now?”

“Cut the bullshit, Lucius,” Severus decided to ignore the pain that accompanied his every move just to get out of Lucius’ bed - because of course, it was where he was. “What did you do? I’m careful with my drinks, so it couldn’t have been a potion or a Muggle aid of some sort, and if we both know if we both got really drunk by some sort of accident at the same time, you’d be avoiding me as plague right now. Did you bespell me? What do you want?”

“No need to raise your voice, Severus, I did have just as many drinks as you last night,” Lucius frowned. “And you’re awfully worked up, it’s unlike you to be so upset, maybe we should have this conversation after you’ve calmed.”

“No, no, Luc, you owe me to not take me for a fool I once was,” the dark-haired wizard hissed. He had an urge to cover himself as quickly as he could with clothes, but he also wanted to make a point by not doing so.

“I’m not. We had a great conversation last night, which led to some even more pleasant activities, and I find myself thinking maybe we should have never ended this,” Lucius stepped closer and kissed Severus just as the old times, and it could have been so easy to accept it and not stop him.

“I don’t even recall seeing you last night, don’t you think it’s a bit curious then?” he had to point out to Luc, who just laughed.

“Maybe you were quite on the wasted side, friend.”

“Well, _friend,_ just so you know, I’ll examine my memories in a Pensieve later, and if I find out you in any way bewitched me, I’ll—“

“Go to the Dark Lord, telling him everything?” Lucius asked. “Because I doubt you want him to take a good, long look into your mind, Severus, but correct me if I’m wrong.”

“Whatever it is, why can’t you just ask?” Severus wondered.

“Well then, I’m asking. You’re working for the other side secretly, and I want you to make it possible for me and my family to help you, to get out as winners of this war.”

Snape found himself laughing, although it was anything but funny.

“You’re the pet favorite of the Dark Lord, Luc, you’d never stop working for him! So tell him if he still has doubts where my loyalties lie, next time he should directly talk or test me. Not send you to mind-wipe me and bed me under false pretense!”

He collected his clothes quickly and arranged them on himself with a spell, ready to storm out when Lucius had also hurried after him, still naked, and caught Severus by his wrist.

“It’s not the Dark Lord’s doing. It’s only mine. Since I have lost the diary, been bested by Potter twice, and Draco couldn’t kill Dumbledore, we’re not his favorite anymore, Severus,” Lucius seemed resigned saying all this, but Severus knew how good of an actor any Malfoy could be. “And you may or may not choose to believe me, but it wasn’t just an act. All my life I had to consider how my actions would affect the Malfoy name, and that’s also why I’m willing to beg if you want me to, but you must help me.”

Severus felt conflicted hearing that. Leave it up to Lucius Malfoy to show vulnerability in a way that in the end still gave him a strong position in the argument he wanted to win.

Severus wouldn’t have the heart to deny helping Narcissa who was by now also someone he really liked, and Draco, who was not only his student, and almost a younger carbon copy of Lucius, but his godson.

But even considering letting them in on some secrets that were locked up in Severus’ head was suicide. And Severus couldn’t take any risks, not when with Albus’ death only he knew the things that Potter needed to know to win the war.

And Snape has been playing the villain for too long. Even if he would trust Lucius to risk the Light Side’s victory on the ego of this vain wizard standing in front of him, he himself couldn’t even prove he was on the right side all along, should a hearing come after Potter’s supposed victory. 

How could he convince anyone in the Ministry that the Malfoys changed colors in the middle of the game when no one would believe he did in the first place?

“There is no need to beg because I can’t do anything for you Lucius, and you know me well,” Severus chose to say. “You know I’m not lying.”

“Yes, I do, and that’s why I know you’re playing Tom for a fool. I don’t know how or since when, but you’re a spy.”

“Even if that was true, you also know very well it would be plain foolish to admit it in front of anyone, and I’m definitely not doing that.” If there was a very small chance Lucius wasn’t lying, Severus had to at least say something that was as close as he could get to the truth. “But if it was as you seem to think, even then I wouldn’t be able to do anything for you or your family, and you shouldn’t even mention anything related it to me nor anyone else.”

“I can’t seem to think as clearly as I used to,” Lucius said. “Since I gave the runes of the wards of the Manor over to Him, he can control me better, and more of my magic is gone if I want any—“

“I’m warning you, Lucius, if the Lord sees you complain either in your memory or mine, for whatever reason, we’re both as good as finished,” Snape quickly said.

“I know. That’s why I scrambled your memories of yesterday, but I also… I need you to remember. You slept with me because after I broke down and told you everything, and you wanted to.”

Severus tried very hard not to show any emotion, but he didn’t succeed. So far he supposed Lucius used a highly illegal and magically costly compulsion spell, and that’s why he didn’t have any memories. But if what Lucius said was true then…

Of course, it was also an easy way to lie. Delete Severus’ memories and tell him he’d already trusted Lucius so much last night that he’d willingly rekindle their relationship, so it was not such a big deal if he trusted the blond again.

But he couldn’t, because others depended on him. Potter, his friends, everyone fighting on the side of Light, and the future of the magical society of Britain partially at least were on his shoulders now, with Albus gone. It wasn’t just Lucius who had people to take care of.

“Narcissa could talk to her sister, I hear she’s in close connection with someone important to our cause,” was all that Severus could say. “If you need the determination to fight, Lucius, you should talk with them, I think they might inspire you.”

He was referring to Lupin and Tonks connected to Andromeda, but if the Dark Lord ever questioned it, he could just as easily say it was about Bellatrix and her devotion and connection to Tom himself.

“I understand. But I still want you, Sev, more than I could—“

“I’m sorry, Luc, but I don’t remember that ever being true,” Severus practically escaped by saying that, because a minute more, and he would have had a reaction - whether it was breaking down or something else - if he stayed.

And luckily, Lucius didn’t try to stop him.

///

When Nagini attacked, Severus almost felt relief. It has been so tiring to keep up with all the responsibilities he had, maybe falling asleep and never waking up was a way for him to finally rest.

But he did wake. And what was worse, he was in pain, and bedridden and unable to speak, while Draco and Potter kept visiting him, and if as he was invalid, they kept recounting the news to him. Not being able to yell at Potter just to finally shut up was trying Severus’ non-existent patience.

And all the people who came during his recovery, apologizing, crying and giving him gifts, saying he was a good person after all. It was plain torture, Severus never was comfortable with openly emotional people, and after the war, even McGonagall seemed to be one when she cried on his shoulder for ever doubting him.

Sometimes relearning how to walk and talk was so exhausting that Severus considered how giving up would be easier, and he didn’t see for what purpose he should fight to reach anymore, since it was all said and done, and they had won. Potter even miraculously survived, so Severus’ debt to his parents finally paid. 

But it wouldn’t be like him to give up now. Severus’ life was never easy, but he kept going with determination then, so he wasn’t going to give up now. He might never be the same, perhaps because of the scars he now had, but he could for the first time in his life enjoy that he was free.

Not under the care of his parents, or serving a madman, or doing as Dumbledore ordered him to, just simply free. He had some money, and if he chose to resign from Hogwarts, he could retire to make only Potions for a good price, while having some free time to do and read about research.

Some days could be hard still in the hospital, but some days he felt lighter than he had for years, and not just because of all the pain-relief potions he was given by his healers.

And even if his future was lacking and not at all idyllic as he pictured, he would still want to see it. He survived an attack from the Dark Lord himself, in a way, so he supposed only better days could come now on.

“I owe you a life debt, Severus,” Narcissa also appeared next to his bedside one day, taking his hand when Severus barely woke from a dream, as if she was waiting for him to do so for a while. “So I’m breaking a promise to tell you this.”

“Don’t,” the Potion Master could still barely form words yet but felt a certain sense of dread when she mentioned the debt he had never meant to ask to be repaid.

“It was Lucius who saved you. When we’ve finally found our son, he just left us and ran to you. What do you think this means?”

“Nothing,” Severus said. His healers noted it was strange someone bought him to Mungos, yet didn’t even wait for the healers to admit him, but if it was Lucius, maybe it made sense.

Lucius had to change his old way of thinking and swallow his pride probably, when he contacted Lupin during the war, and even let the captured Harry Potter and co escape his Manor, just to save his name and fortune, but as lucky as only Malfoys tended to be, it worked.

He wasn’t trialed as a criminal, nor was Draco, although they had to pay a wealthy sum to the Ministry in the form of bribes.

And yes, maybe he cared enough for Severus not to let him die, but if it was anything more than that, he could have visited by now. Everyone else visited Snape, whether he cared for any visitors or not, yet the blond never did.

“Severus, I thought the snake took a bite out of your neck, not your head,” Narcissa just jokingly said. “But my ex-husband saved you as soon as he had a choice, had given up on his family’s Manor, his titles and most of his fortune just to divorce me, and he’d spent all the nights sitting by your bed during the time you were still unwell as if he feared that without his protection someone would attack you when you didn’t have a chance to fend for yourself.”

Severus would have questioned it, but Narcissa wasn’t the type to lie. To be cunning yes, ever so often, but to make things up that weren’t true in any sense?

But if Lucius cared even just a little to stay with Severus when he was weak, why wouldn’t he stay when he woke up?

“As for the divorce, Narcissa, you and I both know that Lucius was gay all his life, and taking care of me might be because hanging with the heroes of the Light he might have learned what guilt felt like, but—“

“I consider my debt paid, Severus,” Narcissa only stood, not listening. “Whatever you do with the information I just gave to you is entirely up to you now. Being single again, I also might want to explore my options if you know what I mean, so I’ll take my leave.”

And she left.

And Severus had only days and days to lie in a hospital bed trying to recover, forbidden even to strain himself by reading at first, so he had plenty of time to think.

He resisted considering what Narcissa seemed to be implying. He had a practiced way of never thinking Lucius could care about anyone else other than himself, and there was a reason why Severus was so adept thinking this way.

But also… the more he thought about it, the more he wanted to confront the other wizard. It was so unlike Lucius.

If he truly saved Snape’s life, why isn’t he smugly asking for something in return, giving Severus a chance to repay the favor somehow, just as Narcissa came to him to do the same?

So when he was finally let go of the hospital, he kept working on his speech and regaining most of his movement, to be able to at least visit Lucius and ask.

/// 

However, Severus couldn’t have pictured the Pureblood any different, when he opened a door of some Muggle cottage, which altogether was the size of Lucius’ old bathroom in the Manor.

“Severus, it seems you have made a full recovery, how nice. But I’m quite busy right now, so… did you want something?”

“Why is your ex-wife convinced you care more about me than her?” Severus had to rasp out every word with considerable effort, so he didn’t have a choice to waste any. “Did you really save my life?”

“I guess you should come in, after all,” Lucius sighed. “And I should tell that evil witch she should just be happy she got most of my money, and get out of my business.”

“Give me your memories of the night you deleted from my mind,” Severus didn’t dare to hope Lucius would feel anything about him, but the gap in his memory was annoying either way.

And if something truly happened back then, he at least wanted to have the same memories Lucius had. Even if he was just attacked by the blond who then claimed they had an important talk.

“I’m afraid I can’t remember that well either. I had quite much to drink,” Lucius smiled, which he often used to cover up a lie, Severus knew.

“I have a gap in my recollection thanks to you. And if Narcissa is right, while she’s never wrong, you acted the way you did after the war because you still wanted something from me. So why… would you—“ Severus knew he said more in a short time than in the previous week, but not even his voice cracking up could stop him. “Why… would you…”

“Stop hurting yourself and drink this,” Lucius quickly summoned water to a cup and handed it to Severus. “Hadn’t it crossed your mind, Severus, that I’m trying to protect you? Even when it’s from myself?”

“What are you—“

“Don’t talk, just consider,” the blond sat next to him on the sofa. “I didn’t divorce Narcissa because of you, I did it because it was the right thing, and we both were free to finally stop pretending. Severus, I can’t give you my memories, but you just have to trust me. You are my valued friend, after all, but it’s not what Narcissa might have told you, I’m sorry.“

“You can’t have me as a friend, not until I see your memories from that night,” Severus said, his voice still strained. He would have never indicated to Lucius he was on the side of the Light unless Lucius shocked him with some major admission of his first. And if Narcissa was right… well, Severus couldn’t even hope that, but he wasn’t willing to let it go either.

“Well then, I’m sorry to hear that, but maybe in a couple of years or decades, you’ll find it in you to forgive me.”

“You’re more powerful than me, but I have better Legilimency, and we both know it. I can also take the memory for myself,” Severus warned.

“I would never forgive you. You have no right,” Lucius said defiantly, but his hands were suddenly on his wand, ready for a fight.

“Wrong, you had no right to take my memories in the first place from me,” Severus said, then jumped with the Legilimens spell, hoping he was recovered enough to get into Lucius’ head just enough to finally see what were lies and what weren’t.

Lucius was, of course, a good duelist, and skilled hiding his important memories behind unimportant ones, but Severus was his worthy match. And he didn’t have to aim for multiple memories, he only had to aim for one.

Which normally wouldn’t be so easy, as the mind wasn’t just a book you could choose what to read, but in this case, Severus knew somehow that night taken away from him was also the only memory Lucius would fight him getting into the most, so all he had to do was to move against the current of most resistance in the blonds head.

It only took a couple of minutes, but then he got it. And seeing Lucius’ memory activated his own, somehow allowing Snape his wiped mind to recover.

That was when Severus fainted from, leaving him under the care of a wizard he just cursed.

///

He dreamt of what happened that night. Severus got drunk, but not as drunk as his scrambled memories would have led him to believe. Even his headache was because of the Obliviate Lucius had cursed him with.

Lucius, on the other hand, got really wasted, and Severus only found the blond sitting in his study in the dark, still drinking, and silently toying with a potion bottle.

“I’m sorry I should leave you to it,” Severus in the memory would have backed out of the room if it wasn’t for Lucius’ drunken voice stopping him.

“I wanted to poison myself tonight. But I can’t do it. Want to know why?”

“You adore yourself too much?” Severus’ answer sounded cruel, but even in the memory, his eyes were now on the small vial in Lucius’ hand, and he walked in, closing the door behind him, putting a silencing charm on the room. “Why don’t you give me that if you won’t use it anyway, then?”

“I’m in love with you too much. I’ve had enough of my life, but I still… I can still sometimes talk to you and I…” and then, Lucius was crying openly in front of Severus, but he didn’t even try to hide it. “Sometimes I wonder what have I done in my previous lives to deserve this happening to me now.”

“You used me all along, Luc. I used to love you with everything I had,” Severus quietly eyed the other wizard. “But you throw it away.”

“I did, but not because of what you think. My father… he threatened to hurt you if I didn’t marry, and produced a male heir when I told him I was gay and loved you.”

“Even if that’s true, you could have just left me. Yet, you ruined me by recruiting me, and throw me away when our relationship didn’t serve your goals anymore.”

“I recruited you because it was the only way for us to spend more time together. But then the Dark Lord himself told me it was convenient I brought someone into our ranks who seemed to be so infatuated with me that he’d do anything for me. He wanted me to order you to do horrible things, thinking you’d do it anyway, if I asked you to do it, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.”

“I would have done anything,” Severus admitted, even though he wasn’t sure Lucius was telling the truth. They both knew this was true, anyway.

“So I’m rich and envied. But truth is, I hate my life, I serve a complete monster, and if it wasn’t for my son and Narcissa who deserve better, I would have given up on my name, my titles and money just to disappear, and build a life for myself where maybe I would have nothing, but I could look into the mirror without hating who I have become.”

“You should be careful what you call our Lord when he can be just outside this door, Luc,” Severus didn’t know what to believe, but he still preferred if Lucius was alive, even though the blond genuinely didn’t seem to care about anything anymore.

“Maybe it’s better if Lord Voldemort kills me,” Lucius said. “Because then I won’t go to the side of the Light, and beg them to let me help, risking my son’s life with my betrayal. My wife’s life. Hell, maybe even yours, Severus. But what am I supposed to do? Seeing that last Muggle killed by that pet snake, it’s… I’m too old not to know better. I could be next. Or you. Or my family, and I just can’t. I couldn’t be able to stand and watch him hurt anyone I love, and by then it will be too late. So, I wanted to kill myself. But then got a better idea. You could gain rank if you exposed me, Severus. And you have always cared for Draco, so you could continue to take care of him and Narcissa for me. Even if you despise me deeply now, betraying a Master we both serve, I think you’ll grant me that request.”

Severus then just stood there in the room, not moving, so Lucius came up to him, then kissed him deeply and sloppily, the drink heavy on his breath.

“For what it’s worth, today I would do everything completely different. But it’s too late for me, isn’t it, Severus? But you’re strong, you still can—“

That was when Snape in the memory just made the blond shut up by kissing him back. And soon, they ended up moving to Lucius’ bedroom, where Severus slept with Lucius just to roughly show him how it wasn’t late for anything.

“I’m not serving Tom, and we can figure something out,” he then confided in Lucius, before they both fell asleep.

Which led to Lucius waking up in the morning, being terrified of what he had confessed to Severus the night before, and quickly deleted Severus’ memories.

He already had Severus’ trust before, but betrayed him because he wasn’t strong enough to protect him, he thought. And he couldn't bear the thought of Severus seeing him for the cowardly weak wreck he really was, even if that was the only way Severus could ever truly forgive him.

///

Severus woke in a bed that smelled as the blond wizard who bending over him, worry in his features.

“Merlin, you gave me a scare,” Lucius told him. “You’ve barely just recovered, you can’t—“

“I asked for my memories nicely, yet you didn’t surrender them.”

“I was protecting you. For the sake of us both,” Lucius said in a small voice. “As you must have seen.”

“You have been lying to me for my entire adult life, Luc. But I’m glad. You could only trick me thinking you cared about me because it wasn’t a trick after all,” Severus still had to struggle to speak, but it was important that he did.

“So now you know why it’s maybe better if we keep our distance from each other. I wouldn’t have hurt you so and ruined your life when you were 17 if I didn’t care for you the way I did. Conversely, it’s the affection I have always felt for you that made me break you the way I did.”

“Wrong, it was never your feelings for me that led us to ruin,” Severus had found it hard to even think it could be true, Lucius caring about him the slightest, but seeing the memories, he couldn’t deny he somehow guessed it was true all along. “But your decision that I couldn't love the real you, never asking for my opinion in the first place.”

“You didn’t know my father, and his shady associates. Then what, we should have just opposed the Dark Lord himself? We both had so much to lose and I—“

“I must admit, maybe I couldn’t have done anything when I was only 17, and your father opposing us. But what you’re forgetting here Lucius, is that since then, I grew up. I got power, a mind, and a will on my own, so I can protect myself and I definitely don’t need you to think for the both of us. I even faced Tom, and though I almost died, now that he’s gone and we could really try after all those years, your argument why we shouldn’t doesn’t stand.”

Lucius just stared at him for a long while, until Severus got into a coughing fit, speaking too much, and the blond had to jump to bring him potions, forcing him back to the pillows to rest some more.

“I don’t know if it’s for the best. I have already broken your heart, and invaded your mind, and took your memories from you, Severus, and all this just because I wanted what was the best for you. Imagine what would I do if we had a fight!”

“I imagine we will have plenty,” Severus said. “But we might just be also too old and too battered to really hold grudges after all we’ve been through, and the things we’ve seen.”

And he’d pulled Lucius to a kiss, which the blond didn’t fight. Merlin, was Severus a little bit more vigorous, they could have done so much more, even.

He was also angry. Angry at Lucius for thinking Severus would only accept him as a perfect Malfoy, and angry at himself because he felt so small compared to others that it was easy for Lucius to feed him he’d never loved Severus when it was clearly far from the truth.

But even given both of their scars and baggage of the last decade, they were wizards with more than a hundred years possibly to spend together. 

And if Severus could assure Luc that he cared too much for him still than to ever let him go, maybe… maybe they could be as happy as Severus never thought he’d have a chance to.

///

They had an established routine of years of living together, by now. Severus rewrote the hundred-year-old-textbooks that were still in use in Hogwarts and were crudely outdated, earning a decent sum for him and Lucius both to live comfortably.

While Lucius insisted they move to a quiet place, where he had a huge garden and became a Herbology expert, something he always wanted to do, but his father thought wasn’t worthy of a Malfoy.

He did sell some Herbs as potion ingredients, and he gave some for Severus to do research on, sometimes, and after spending every morning busy working on their own, they had always spent every late afternoon trekking together to the seashore that was close to their tiny home and then going back eating dinner, reading something maybe, and spending some time enjoying the bed they now shared.

Severus had found himself frowning less, and Lucius could finally stop posturing pretending to be somebody he wasn't, at least when they didn’t have visitors, and that was good.

And bad memories just withered and fell away with time fading, as if they were just bad dreams from another life, slowly replaced and overgrown by memories of the life they were living now, and that alone was enough.

They still bickered sometimes, and there were times Severus had to be woken up from a nightmare by Lucius or times when Lucius got quieter and put up walls and Severus had to take care of him a little bit more until Lucius felt better, but somehow that only made them stronger together.

They had time now, and some quiet tranquility. And even though Severus thought Lucius would soon miss politics or his money, time prooved they didn’t need anything more, nor anything else, just this.


End file.
